Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
