my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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