CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
