Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
