wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he was CRYING into my vagina
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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