so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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