new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
