I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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