Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
