maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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