the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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