I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
