my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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