I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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