so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
