from now on my penis is your penis
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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