you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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