I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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