I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
