I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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