Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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