No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
