I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize