the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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