I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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