That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
