i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
