I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
