what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
