Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
