I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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