$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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