Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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