omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
