dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
