I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize