The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
