I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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