pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
