I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
