What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
