im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
