everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
