somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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