I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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