I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
