Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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