a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
