I wish I could punch you in the face.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
