guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize