He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
