when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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