By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
