someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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