i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
