Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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