it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We left the knife in your bed.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
