I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize