I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
