This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
