im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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