I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
