Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
