I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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