I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
