either way he was missing a nipple.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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