Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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