every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
